Tuesday, October 21, 2008

...you ever want it so bad that it hurts?

this is probably my 3rd day running on 2-4 hours of sleep. i tend to crawl into bed some time between 1 and 3am on any average given night, but then i twist and turn and lay there with a body begging for rest but eyes wide open and a mind racing a mile a minute. i spent a lot of time at home last week while ill and it only allowed more time to drown in my thoughts, visions, aspirations, dreams, plans, desires, strengths, weaknesses, pros, cons, accomplishments, shortcomings - you get the idea. when i say drown, i mean literally feeling so overwhelmingly emotional right now that it physically feels like i'm fighting to breath, and fighting to keep my head above a sea full of small fish that don't quite see what i see, or see how easy it could all be. did that make sense to you? hope so, because there we would go again - where only I understand me.

i have an opportunity so huge, so colossal, so extremely fantastically perfect on my immediate radar right now that i've been walking around with a migraine headache from thinking too hard and too much. i can't concentrate at work, i have brain spazzes where i go off on a tangent talking about the scope of BUTCH DIVA projects and how it's gonna go down, and the chronological order of my success, then i go to a corner to breathe and calm down and say "i can't deal"...

{in a tone that doesn't imply that i can't actually deal as in can't handle it, but like - i can't deal with how dope it can, and will be}

you ever see something so vividly 20/20 clear that you feel like you're actually in that situation at that very moment experiencing it as you're picturing it...like - it may be a daydream, but a dream so attainable that the very thought of it not working out makes you clench your heart, swallow big gulps of tears, and then moments later release the tears like you've been waiting to cry for years...

holding title as BUTCH DIVA's Boss Lady comes with many terms and conditions. for one, i've built a tolerance so thick you couldn't cut thru it with a saw. a tolerance for heartache, disappointment, overwhelming success or pleasure, patience, and a tolerance for never really slowing down... i just go and go and go and go and go and rarely ever stop for my personal emotions. i'm having a moment this evening ladies and gentleman. where i finally stopped, processed the potential, and it bought me to soaking tears...

4 comments:

niki.mac said...

WOW! This was deep and so beautifully written...

...thanks for sharing!

Ainz Neal said...

i understand how that feels...keep doing your thing..good luck!

Nik said...

No worries Tiff girl! Your destined for greatness, i can see/feel it...

Nikki

Lady Bee said...

this is so real.

i am going through the same xact thing. so know that you are not alone.

and usually the conflict of emotions are our insecurities trying to work against us...we all have them...but we gotta keep pushing. that is where employing faith comes in.

if you see it, it can happen. all u have to do is keep on.

this post is very inspirational because i just fell upon ur blog...and to see this lets me kno i am not alone. u have just cosigned my thoughts.

from one sister to another...keep ur faith!